Shit Just Got Real
Oh my goodness – I am excited beyond belief.
Did I say excited – I meant TERRIFIED.
Not because it is Friday 13th in 2020 (of all the years). No, not this as I actually believe this day is lucky. Or more to the point the number 13 represents feminine power and if we’re honest we could all use a bit of that!
However, all this talk about finding out who I am, or managing the expectations of others and here I am shaking in my boots because I am soon to expose myself (not physically you understand, that would be easy in comparison, if not a little disturbing for you guys, but mentally).
I have spent my life worrying about what others will think about me. It has held me back from being the person I think I am.
As an example, many years ago I wrote a book whilst in an abusive relationship. I kept it hidden because I knew if he found it, I would take a beating, despite it being watered down so much it was actually really shit and would never get published in a month of Sundays.
But it frustrated the hell out of me that I was being controlled by my fear.
He never found the manuscript and I still have it. The basis of the story is good. Maybe one day I will make this a priority and re-write it, with a bit more grit and realism thrown in.
Today I went to town with one sole purpose, to sign up to my dream. You would not believe how many times I had to pee before I left 😊
Over-prepared & Not A Fuck Given
When I moved out here, I had all sorts of plans. I knew I would have to be flexible in how I earned a living, so I brought stuff with me: 6 kayaks and 4 pottery wheels, 2 kilns, soap making equipment, candle making supplies, my parents old art supplies, 2 x go-karts – you name it, we brought it.
I have been lucky beyond my wildest dreams and haven’t needed any of this. Although if you follow my blog on Facebook or Instagram you’ll see that none of it has gone to waste. In fact it has definitely narrowed my focus to what I love to do and of course… more shit has been accumulated.
Like many, I am a complex, emotional, lead by the heart woman, but to a certain extent, social media has created me an illusion of myself. I was never sure whether I was being myself or if I was being what people expected me to be…or what I thought they expected me to be.
You will see a mix of this if you analyze my posts (which of course I don’t advocate as a pastime) …just trust me.
That stops here!
‘Why?’ you ask…or maybe you don’t give a fuck, it’s ok to not give a fuck, honestly it is – I watched this really amusing but thought-provoking TED talk a few days ago by Sarah Knight called The Magic of Not Giving a Fuck – go look it up, it is worth a watch, and start getting your fuck budgets allocated accordingly.
Hell, have I digressed again? Sorry!
To cut a long story short our first trip to Bulgaria was in 2011. We had bought a house off Ebay (yup you read that right) and during our 2-week visit bought a second in the same village. As if this wasn’t enough, on our return to the UK we decided we ‘needed’ a house in the mountains and bought a third.
One thing lead to another and we started to understand that the decisions we had made were not the greatest and we could do better. In 2013 we came back and saw around 60 other houses and bought a fourth. Which we moved into in 2014… and are still here!
We were suddenly property magnates! Ha ha – not even close!
We basically owned land with shacks on them … we have since sold the initial two we bought and almost completed the renovations on the one we live in.
This village where we live is amazing. The people are incredibly welcoming and the surrounding countryside is energizing. I cannot see us moving, in a long, long time.
So what on earth can have me so excited…?
Yes you’ve guessed it (or maybe you didn’t…but I’m gonna tell you anyway) – I have bought another house in the same village.
What the actual fuck?!? Yes, I have asked myself that on several occasions, but I have had a vision for my life out here for a long time and although I don’t NEED to do this. I can, so I am going to.
I can’t tell you exactly what I have planned at this point as there are many decisions yet to be made.
What I can say is – if you relate to any of my blogs then you want to keep watching.
All will become clear over the next few months… and you will be here on the ground floor to watch it all come together.